CAN I TOUCH YOU?
by Sandy
There’s a song that Michael Bolton sings that brings back memories of him, memories that I’ve tried to bury so deep inside that no one, not even I can ever find them again. I never play the song anymore but last night in the bar, someone punched the right numbers into the jukebox and instead of getting up and running away, I stayed and listened, the words haunted me.
Baby, show me what you feel
Come to me, show me somethin’ real
I need to know, I need you completely
Closer baby closer, come on let’s begin
Love is takin’ over, gotta let it in
Ooh I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
Can I touch you there,
Touch you deep inside
Can I touch your heart,
The way you’re touchin’ mine
Can I touch you there,
Touch you deep within
Can I touch you there,
Can I touch you…there
I closed my eyes and remembered, the words not spoken, the touch of his calloused hands on my body. With every word, my body ached for him.
Baby tell me with your eyes
Tell me every deep secret darlin’
Every deep desire, till you and I
Are makin’ love completely
Closer baby closer, can’t be close enough
I can’t help the way I hold you
I just hunger for your love
I wanted to scream at them stop the music please! But I couldn’t, because then everyone would know just how much I needed you, wanted you. So I just sat there, quietly sipping my drink, and dying note by note.
And I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
All I wanna do is touch you baby
Touch the very soul inside of you
And I need to feel the heart of you
Need to reach the very deepest part of you
Let me be the one to show you
Just what love can do
When it ended, I proceeded to get rip roaring drunk and thanks to my good friends managed to get home and into bed without having done something totally disgusting. The next day at work, Abbie Glen, (my absolute best friend in the whole world) approached me warily. We did our usual thing, standing in front of the nurses’ station, trading insults.
“How’s the head, Red?”
I glared at him. “No thanks to you, it’s still there. Barely.”
He shrugged me off with an admonishing, “Hey, I wasn’t the one who decided to pull an all-nighter.”
With my glare sliding into a grin, I said, “Yeah.. ..well if you had been a real friend
Abbie smirked, “What, and miss a show like that? Sony Red, I woulda paid good money to see that one.”
I was just getting ready to let him have it when an aide interrupted with a message, “Angie, Nurse Chambers wants to see you—and she said right now!”
“Okay, okay, Carol. Thanks and tell her I’m coming.”
“Yeah, well I’d like to be around to see that.” Abbie snorted.
“Jesus Abbie, give it a rest will you.” Giggling, I ran down the hall to find Nurse Chambers. I checked myself out, knocked and I heard her muted “Come in.”, entering to find her standing at the window.
Without turning, she said, “Angie, we have a situation here and as much as I hate to ask this of you, I just don’t have any other choice. We have a patient, in critical condition, and well.., some of the staff just don’t want to get involved with him.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand, I mean it’s our job to heal. D. . .does he have Aids or something?
She shook her head. “No, nothing like that. Angie, the young man is a skinhead. You know what a skinhead is? They’re wild, sometimes murderous degenerates, who have
no morals, no conscience. They’re unlike anything you could have known back home. It’s because of this I’m asking you to take him on-you haven’t lived here long enough to develop any preconceived notions about them.”
“I. . .1....” I didn’t know what to say to her. How could I tell her there’s no way I can even walk into that room? Not without telling her the truth. And how do I tell her the truth when I’m not even sure what the truth really is?
She turned looking at me for the first time. “Angie, are you alright? You look a little pale.”
I put my hand to my mouth. “Sorry... had a late night last night and I.. . .Nurse Chambers can you excuse me please?” Without waiting for an answer I dashed out of her office.
I just made it to the bathroom before throwing up. When I finally managed to get back to my feet and drag myself to the sink, I was shaking. The face in the mirror I didn’t recognize. With shaking hands, I turned on the cold water and splashed it on my face. What the hell do I do now?
“Angie,Angie! Abbie’s voice, urgent and worried, “Are you all right in there? Angie let me in.”
“Go away.”
“No way. Come on, let me in, or I swear I’ll break down the door.”
“That’s right Abbie, make a scene. Let everyone know that something is going on. What’s it gonna take to get you to stop?”
“Just open the damned door, Angie!”
I opened the door and let him in.
A frown of concern marred his face. “What the hell is going on? You look like hell and don’t tell me it’s from last night. What the hell went on with Chambers?”
I told him and then stood back because I knew he was gonna blow and it’s never a pretty sight.
He leaned back against the door as if he needed support, the expression on his face both protective and indignant. “Are you crazy? No way are you going in there! Not now, not ever! I can’t believe you didn’t tell Chambers no already.”
I faced him angrily “How can I tell her no? She’ll want to know why and then what do I say?”
“Tell her you’re scared, tell her you’re sick-- hell make something up, but don’t do this, girl. Just, please don’t do this.”
He grabbed me in his arms and just wrapped me in a bear hug. Abbie’s been my own personal teddy bear since we were kids in a small sleepy town. My rock. Abbie, my kid brother Johnnie and I were known as the 3 Musketeers and when we were doing really dumb things as the 3 Stooges. See, Abbie loved me and I loved him. The only problem, I loved him like a brother and he loved me like a man loves a woman. It was our senior year of high school before he got up the nerve to tell me. It was a Friday night and we were riding around talking about our failed romances and he said ‘let’s go out tomorrow night.’ I said sure and then he dropped the bomb on me. He informed me he wanted it to be a date, that he wanted me for his girl. I just sat there with my mouth open; I never had a clue. I started to cry and Abbie got scared, pulled off the road, and pulled me into his arms. I tried to explain to him that I loved him more than anything but! loved him like a brother and that’s all we could ever be. He didn’t say anything for a long time and when he finally did. . .he broke my heart.
“That’s not good enough anymore. Do you know what it’s like for me to stand around watching other guys dating you; being with you the way I want to be?”
I couldn’t do anything but cry. Abbie got mad and took me home. It was over a month before I heard from him again, the longest month of my life. I was sitting on the front porch swing when he pulled up in the driveway. He got out of his car and flashed that killer smile of his and I knew everything would be okay. I ran down the steps and jumped into his arms. He hugged me so tight and said ‘okay, if friends is the way it has to be then we’ll always be friends.’ When my parents died, it was Abbie that held things together and then when I lost Johnnie to a gang, it was Abbie Glen who took care of me. We finished school and both got good jobs in the same clinic. Everything was going great but the pain of losing my brother just ate at me, so much so that I almost destroyed myself and the life I had built with Abbie. I put myself into such a stupid, dangerous situation and left Abbie to pick up the pieces again. He closed up the house; found us a new home and new jobs. So when he said ‘don’t do this’ I knew he was right and I knew that it’s because he loves me that he was trying to protect me but I also knew that I was not going to listen to him and I had to try to make him understand. I tried to tell him this was something that I had to do, to make a break with the past. Abbie didn’t want to listen, he kept arguing with me but finally he just gave it up.
“You’re really going to do this? There’s nothing I can say or do to change your mind?”
I nodded, my eyes locked on his. “I have to. If I’m ever gonna let go and make a new life for myself, then I have to do this. Besides, there is no way it could be any of them; they’re either dead or in prison for life. So don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” I gave him a shaky half smile.
Famous last words. I wasn’t sure that I believed it and I knew that Abbie didn’t. He still had me in that bear hold and I murmured that if he didn’t let me go, I was going to need a doctor for my ribs.
I finally pushed Abbie off me and headed down the hail to ICU. I had never walked so slowly, my heart was pounding so hard I could barely breathe. I got to the door and froze.... Like in one of those horror movies where the victim is about to open the door, not knowing what or who is on the other side but pretty sure that whatever it is, it’s not going to be good.
I finally gave myself a shake and a stern lecture. “This is ridiculous. There is nothing for you to be afraid of. Just open the damned door!”
I pushed the door open and slowly walked inside. The room was dimly lit but I knew it was him. Even with all the tubes running in and out of his body and the bandages, there was never a doubt in my mind. I crept silently to the bedside, tears pouring down my face.
I whispered his name. “Hando.”
He didn’t move; the only sounds were the sounds of the respirator and the beating of my heart. All the times that I wished he was dead, prayed for him to be dead, and here he was and my heart just broke. I stood there crying, how long I hadn’t a clue.
He moved and just that little flicker of life brought me back. I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, took a deep breath, and picked up his chart. The prognosis wasn’t good. Knife wound to the neck, extensive loss of blood, swelling of the spinal cord. The kidneys had shut down due to extensive blood loss. Jesus, how had he survived this long? Would he make it and if he did, what quality of life would he have? With that wound in the neck, there was a good chance he could end up a quadriplegic or at the very least, never speak again. I loved his voice, even when he insisted on reading that Mien Kamph drivel out loud. I didn’t think that he could ever hurt me again but seeing him like this was unbearable.
I pulled up a chair and took hold of his hand. His hands, so big, so strong. I loved the way they felt on my skin, rough and abrasive, and yet so gentle when he would let himself be. Now they just felt cold.
I laid my head on the edge of his bed and cried. Wasn’t this the joke of the century? All this time I had wanted him dead, had prayed for this and now...
“Don’t die, please don’t die.” I sobbed. “There’s so much I need to tell you. Things I wanted to say but couldn’t, things that you never knew and wouldn’t have understood.”
“Do you remember the night that we met?”
He thought it was just chance but chance had nothing to do with it. I had stalked him for two weeks and that night it was time to put my plan into action. I took great pains with myself that night, dressing to please him. My teal blue silk dress was short and tight enough to attract his attention but not enough to label me a whore. I took the same care with my makeup and hair. Watching him, I knew what he wanted when he went hunting and I wanted to make sure I was the woman he ended up with that night.
I could tell the moment he and his goons
entered the pub. The atmosphere became charged you could almost smell the
fear. They made their way over to the bar it was almost like the
I felt Abbie tense as I started to move into his arms for the third slow song. When I looked up into his face, he was staring over my shoulder and I knew the bait had been taken. Hando grabbed me just as I started to turn and pulled me tight against him. You couldn’t call it dancing, we barely moved. Neither of us said a word but we both knew how this night was going to end. I felt the heat emanating off his body and suddenly my panties were soaked and by the devilish grin that suddenly appeared on his face he knew it too.
At the end of the song, I started to go back to my table-but Hando grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the back of the pub.
“Ange,” Abbie yelled as he started after us.
“It’s okay, I’m okay.” I giggled looking up at Hando. “Big boy here will take care of me.”
The door had barely shut when he had me pinned to the wall, arms shoved up over my head, and his tongue down my throat, his tongue imitating the same rough lovemaking as his hips grinding against mine. I couldn’t catch my breath, couldn’t think. I didn’t want to think. He finally let go of my arms and somehow they ended up around his waist, trying to pull him in closer. His hands were busy working my dress up my hips and it wasn’t until I felt the cold air hit my ass that my brain went back to working. I shoved against him, trying to push him away.
“Stop, stop it right now.”
“What the bloody hell.” Hando bellowed. “What the fuck’s wrong with you? You’ve been advertising all night and now you say stop. Not bloody likely. Now shut your mouth before I put something in it.”
He grabbed me and pulled me up against him and before I had time to think, I’d slapped him. I don’t know who was more shocked, him or me. The look in his eyes told me that I was in deep shit. He grabbed my neck and slowly started to squeeze, all the time telling me in very explicit terms just what he was going to do to me.
“Please.” was all I could manage to whisper.
“You damn right you’re going to please me. Me and anyone else I give you to, do you understand?”
“Please, Hando let me explain.” I whispered taking hold of his hand with both of mine. If he didn’t let me go, I wasn’t going to have to worry about his threats, I’d already be dead. Not that I was too sure that would make much of a difference to that bunch of goons. He stood there a moment longer and just looked at me with those crazed eyes. And then he let me go so fast I almost hit the ground. In fact the only thing that kept me from hitting the ground was him.
“When I said stop, I meant stop out here. Maybe the women you usually go after like this but I’m not a whore and I don’t flick in alleys. When I make love to a man, it’s in a bed, a big bed, with soft sheets and candles burning everywhere. Just me and my lover, lots of deep wet kisses and sex, all we can stand all night long.”
I watched his face as I talked and I could see the rage slowly leave only to be replaced with a smirk.
He tilted his head and looked up at me with those eyes. “And I suppose you just happen to have that big bed and everything?”
“Yes, as a matter of fact I do. Are you up for it?”
He grabbed my hand and rubbed it up and down the front of his jeans. “What do you think?”
“I think we need to go find that bed Hando.” I said laughingly as he pulled me close for one of his show stopping kisses.
We ran out of the alley and hailed a cab. I could hardly keep him off of me long enough to give the driver the address. The next thing I knew I was flat of my back on the seat of the cab and Hando had his hands under my dress trying to pull my panties off.
“Stop, don’t.”
“Aw come on luv, just a taste.” Hando pleaded, his eyes wild with desire.
“No! I told you I’d do anything but in a bed, not in the back of a cab. Wait please, I promise you it will be worth it. Please.”
He pulled me up onto his lap and told me in no uncertain terms just what anything meant to him and what I could expect when we finally got to that bed. I told him I never expected anything different from him. From then until the cab pulled up in front of my house, it was hands and lips everywhere, kissing, biting. It was all I could do to keep from giving into him right then and there. When the cab stopped, there we were, my dress all bunched up around my waist with Hando’s hands grabbing my ass and his teeth chewing on my breast thru my now ruined silk dress. And I was no better. I had my tongue down his throat and my hands in his pants. Hando managed to get some money out of his pocket and told him to put his eyes back in his head and bugger off. He staggered up the walkway with me in his arms, my legs wrapped around his waist. I hit the door with the back of my head hard enough to see stars but not hard enough to stop the serious fooling around that was going on.
“Look just let me do it.” Hando growled at me.
“No I can do it by myself.”
“Look you’re not putting it in right.”
“Yes I am and I don’t need you to tell me how to do it Hando. There see, it’s in. Are you happy now?” I asked as the key opened the lock and I pushed the door open, not thinking that we were leaned up against the door and suddenly there was only air. Hando turned so that he hit the floor and I landed on top of him.
“Oof, oh you’d better be so worth this.” Hando managed to whisper as I slowly crawled
off him.
“Yeah, well you won’t find out lying there,” I told him as I crawled down the hall.
I’d just slipped into my bedroom with plans to put on something seductive and so hot, not that it would make a difference to him. Hando had a reputation of “get the clothes off and spread em.” Why did I suddenly want to impress him? That was never in the game plan. I went to close the door just as Hando came charging in shoving the door and me into the wall. He managed to grab me before I hit the floor. I couldn’t speak with all the breath knocked out of me and Hando took full advantage of the situation. Pressing me into the wall, grinding his lower body into mine, he licked me from that soft, tender spot between my neck and shoulder all the way to my ear.
Nuzzling my ear he whispered, “I am going to give you the fuck of a lifetime. The best fuck you ever had.”
And with that, he took those long fingers and ripped my dress right down the front. I shuddered, feeling the wetness gush from me as my dress slid to the floor. When I opened my mouth to try and get some air, he shoved his tongue down my throat. Hando picked me up, carried me to the bed and dropped me on it. What happened next could by no means be called lovemaking. It was too brutal, too animalistic to be called anything other than flicking. He didn’t care how much he might be hurting me or if by some miracle if! was getting any pleasure from it. Hell, he was probably getting off on the fact that I wasn’t enjoying it. The only thing that mattered to Hando was Hando. The hands and mouth that had given me pleasure before now only gave me pain. Over and over, on and on, ‘Oh God, please make him stop. I’ll be good. I swear it.’ But he didn’t stop and the more I whimpered and tried to get away, the more he enjoyed and the worse it got for me. The one thing more perverse was that I knew going in that it would be like this and I still allowed it to happen. Hell, I had sought him out. One of my biggest problems in life has been that I always thought I could handle anything. I found out that night I was wrong. After he made sure that I kept my word about doing everything and it was finally over, I scooted to the edge of the bed and curled into a ball.
“You will not cry! You will not get sick! You will not let him see what this did to you!” I kept repeating this over and over in my head. And I didn’t but I couldn’t stop my body from shaking no matter how hard I tried.
I could feel his eyes burning a hole in my back but I couldn’t turn over, I just couldn’t face him, I knew if! did, I would lose it and now was not the time. I felt the mattress give as he moved behind me and all I could think was “Please God don’t let him touch me again.” When he finally did put his hand on me it was such a light, gentle touch that I could almost make believe it was Abbie Glen turning me over. When I opened my eyes, the look on his face scared me to death. Had he hurt me so much that! had lost my mind? I could have sworn that he actually looked concerned and I knew he was just playing a sick joke. Hando cared about no woman. He didn’t say a word; he just kept staring at me. Finally he reached over and brushed my hair out of my face. I didn’t move, didn’t breathe. Then he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into his chest. I could hear his heart beat, slow and steady. And then I realized that he wasn’t going to hurt me; he had fallen asleep. My body slowly relaxed and I slept the sleep of the dead, as my grandmamma used to say.
I don’t know what woke me up. All I do know was there wasn’t a place on my body that
didn’t hurt and there were bruises everywhere. I grabbed my robe and headed down the
hall to take a shower but a noise coming from the kitchen stopped me. I don’t know what
I thought was going on in there but nothing prepared me for seeing Hando barefoot and
just in jeans, zipped but not buttoned, standing at the stove cooking.
He looked at me and shrugged, “I got hungry. You want some?” He pointed at the table, “Sit.”
And sit I did. He dished up the food and got the milk out of the refrigerator.
“Eat.” He growled as he poured us both milk.
Eat he said. As if I could do anything more than just stare at him with my mouth open. Hando attacked his food and was eating with gusto when he looked up and caught me staring. Sighing, he laid down his fork and stood up. He walked around to my side of the table, picked me up and sat back down with me on his lap. He reached over and dragged my plate and then my glass to his side of the table.
“Eat.”
I didn’t think I could eat a mouthful but with him watching, I loaded my fork and put it in my mouth. I couldn’t believe it, it was actually good and before I knew it, I had cleaned my plate. I gathered up the dishes and was getting ready to wash them when Hando took my hand.
“Let them soak.”
He pulled me into his arms and kissed me on the forehead.
“You need a bath. You smell like s---,” the words died on his lips when he saw the anguish in my eyes.
“Come on.”
He pulled me down the hall and opened the door to the bathroom.
“Sit.” He said pointing to the toilet.
I sat down and watched as he turned the water on and got the temperature adjusted. He turned and pulled me up, removing my robe at the same time.
“Go on, get in.”
I stood beneath the nozzle, letting the water hit me in the face. I don’t know how long I stood there but it was long enough that I almost jumped out of my skin when Hando touched my back. I hadn’t heard him get in the shower. He put his hands on my waist and turned me around, checking me over and never making a sound. He touched each bruise and bite mark. He picked up the shampoo and smelled it. It was French Vanilla. He turned me away from him and poured some on my head. Slowly and carefully he washed my hair and massaged my scalp. I’d never had such an erotic shampoo. When he finished, he turned me back to him and carefully rinsed my hair. Then Hando picked up the soap and sea sponge that I bathed with and proceeded to bathe me. Ever so gently.
“He’s playing mind games with you! Watch out!” my mind screamed at me.
But somehow I didn’t think so. He hadn’t apologized for last night and I knew he wouldn’t but there was something in his eyes that told me he regretted it. When he had washed both of us, he shut the water off and pulled me out of the shower. He grabbed a towel, gently dried me off and then wrapped a dry towel around me. He then dried himself and wrapped the towel around his waist. He led me back to my room and when we stepped inside; he shut the door and pulled me close. He put his hand under my chin and tilted my head back.
“You promised me a big bed, candles, and everything. All I got was the bed. I want the rest.”
I took a deep breath, “Are you going to hurt me?”
“No.” was his sullen reply.
So I got out my candles and my Michael Bolton. I programmed it to play my favorite song “Can I touch you there” over and over. With the candles lit and Michael singing in the background, I walked over to Hando. I undid his towel and mine, letting them both fall to the floor. Looking at him, even with all those disgusting tattoos, he took my breath away. He really was a beautiful man, even with that smirk on his face. I put both my hands on his chest and pushed him down on the bed. I climbed up on the bed and straddled his waist. I bent down and kissed his face, his eyes, his lips. He wrapped his arms around me intent on pulling me closer, but when I flinched he stopped and let me set the pace; let me control the lovemaking. And that was what it was. Lovemaking as simple and pure as it could be. As if we really were lovers and the night before had never happened. I hated him for it. I didn’t want to love him. Hell, I didn’t want to like him. But he kept holding me and touching me. He took his fingers and ever so gently brushed them across my lips and down my neck onto my chest. I lowered my head and closed my eyes, not wanting to feel what I was feeling. This was so wrong! I couldn’t want him; couldn’t need him. But I did, God help me, I did. Afterwards, all I could do was cry. I know Hando thought I was nuts. I didn’t cry when he practically raped me and yet when he showed me some kindness I fell apart.
When I awoke Hando was sitting up reading. I almost had a heart attack when I saw that he was reading. Mien Kamph! How had he found it?
Yours?” he asked
“It belonged to someone I used to know. Where’d you find it? I’d forgotten I had it.” “It was the bookshelf in the living room. You read it?”
I shook my head ‘No’. So Hando proceeded to read parts of it to me and then explain what Hitler meant. Oh, I knew what the bastard meant and it made me sick to my stomach but I didn’t dare let Hando know. After a while, I’d had all I could stomach and I
took the book out of his hands and told him to pay some attention to me. And again it was making love, not having sex and afterwards Hando slept. I got up and dressed very quietly and then I got my gun. I walked over to the bed but not close enough Hando could grab me and I cocked the gun. Hando was lying on his side and rolled over onto his back. I jumped back because I hadn’t realized he was awake.
“If you’re going to do this luv, make sure you aim for the cross in the middle of my chest. That way it’ll be quick.” He said with no fear in his voice.
“One thing though, who is this guy and what’s he to you?” he asked holding up a photo. “Where did you find that?” I asked my voice shaking.
“It was in the book. Now who is he?”
“He was my brother and you killed him. Oh you didn’t kill him yourself, but you brainwashed him. You turned him into one of your goons. You filled him with hate and that hate got him killed. He was my brother and he was all the family I had. And he’s dead because of you and now you are going to because of me”
“Just do it then.” That’s all he said. He made no apologies, no excuses. I raised the gun and I tried, I really tried but I couldn’t do it. Last night, yeah I could have done it but not after today. I lowered the gun and then I raised it again when he got off the bed.
“Don’t come any closer. I mean it Hando. I’ll kill you before I’ll let you hurt me again.”
“Put the gun down Angie, you don’t really want to do this.” He spoke softly as if he were talking to a child.
“Yes I do! I do! I hate you!” I screamed as he took the gun and threw it on the bed. “I hate you!” I said as he wrapped his arms around me and started kissing my tears away.
“I hate you! I hate you!” I murmured as he lowered me to the floor, covering my body with his.
“I hate you!” as he ripped my clothes off and never stopped kissing and touching me.
“ I... .1..” I sobbed as he plunged into me, making me his.
“Hando.”
“I know.” He whispered.
And then there were no more word spoken between us. When it was over, I couldn’t move. He could have killed me and I wouldn’t have cared. Instead he held me in his arms and whispered in my ear until I dropped off to sleep.
The next morning I awoke to Abbie beating on the door.
“Ange let me in.”
“Calm down, I’m coming!” I yelled as I shrugged on my robe. I opened the door to find Abbie in a state of hysteria. “Are you ok?”
“Yes I’m fine and before you ask, no I didn’t do it and no he didn’t hurt me.” “Angie, are you sure you’re ok? Where is he?”
“I don’t have a clue but it’s over. He was here when I fell asleep.” And then I remembered and ran into the bedroom. There on the bed was my gun and Mien Kamph was on the nightstand. The only thing that was missing was the picture of my brother and me.
Abbie fixed both of us drinks and I told him everything.
“I don’t understand why he didn’t kill you Angie and why did he take that picture of you and Johnnie?”
“I honestly don’t know.” I sat down on Abbie’s lap, “but it’s over and believe it or not I’m glad it ended the way it did.”
And that was the end of it or so I thought until I walked into that room in ICU and there he was. When I raised my head off his bed, I realized that he had come to. I leaned over him and kissed his forehead, his eyes.
I whispered in his ear “We have a son and his name is Johnnie.”
I saw his eyes light up and then I reach over and unhooked the respirator tube from his mouth. See no matter how much I loved him, wanted him, needed him, I loved my little boy more and I could never chance Hando destroying him like he did my brother. I waited until I got no pulse and then I hooked the respirator back to the tube. I kissed him one last time and then I left the room. I reported his death to the floor nurse and then I went home to our son.