Soul Searching

It was a beautiful day in the Glen. Sunshine and very few clouds in the bluest sky she'd ever seen. Liana was enjoying her walk.

During the little over a week they'd been here, she felt as though she hadn't really seen much of the place. With Ben busy talking horses and the business of the ranch with Charlie Prince, she'd decided to get out and remedy that situation. It was an eclectic assortment of houses the residents had built so far, she thought to herself.

Everyone seemed to have different styles and tastes. Pondering over the homes she'd seen, she walked along, not noticing where she was going. When she stumbled over a rock and felt something twist in her ankle, she was more annoyed

than pained. "Dammit," she told herself. "I should've been paying more  attention."

It was then that she looked up and saw one of the prettiest buildings she'd seen so far in the Glen. A small, white frame church. Very simply built with

shutters and steeple, it was set back into a small area shaded by tall old trees. Liana was captivated. Limping slightly, she made her way across the emerald grass surrounding the building. Not expecting it to be open, she was surprised when the doorknob

turned easily under her fingers. The inside reminded her of a small church her grandparents had taken her to many years ago.

Sitting down in one of the back pews, she let the memories of her family come.

Then, her thoughts went to Ben. He was her family now. And yet-She'd fallen in love with Ben Wade the night she met him. Had asked him to come to Australia with her two weeks after that, had not hesitated for a second when he'd insisted they get married on their way to the airport to come here. It had all felt right.

But since they'd been married only a little over a week ago, he'd been mostly distant. Something inside told her that he had feelings for her, but he didn't show them. She felt frustrated, unable to reach him somehow.

Not knowing she'd been feeling so deeply about all this, Liana was surprised to find that her eyes had filled with tears. It was then that she heard a soft noise behind her.

"Good morning," a gentle voice said. "I'm glad you're here." He didn't say anything in the way of an acknowledgment that he'd stumbled across the young woman unexpectedly, that he could tell from the slump of her shoulders that something was troubling her. He simply said he was glad she was there and waited for her to respond in the manner most comfortable to her.

"Oh!" Liana was startled by the voice. It was kind and gentle but totally unexpected.

"I'm sorry. I didn't know anyone else was here." She was embarrassed that this man had caught her crying.

He was moving to stand in front of her and she didn't want to look up at him with her eyes wet. She dried them quickly with the back of her hand. Looked up into a face that matched the voice--kind and gentle.

"I should go," she said quickly. "My husband will wonder where I've gotten off to."

"Alistair," he said. "I'm the pastor here. It's a good place, isn't it, to come and think. I often sit here alone." He was leaving it up to her whether she stayed or left.

"It is a nice place to come and think." Liana smiled up at him, in spite of the tears still threatening. "When you come here and think, do you feel you solve anything?"

"It may depend on what there is to solve. But, yes, I do feel that." He sat down in the pew in front of her, turning so he was facing her over the back of its seat. "Often merely thinking in such a quiet place helps get our thoughts in order." He would not press her to speak. She would if she wanted to.

Liana wanted to talk to this quiet man, but wasn't really sure what to say. After all, there were some things about Ben that she couldn't tell anyone. Not even in confidence. She couldn't risk it. Hesitantly, she spoke again.

"Do you believe in Fate, Pastor?"

"An interesting question," he smiled. "I believe that right from the beginning God knows where I'll end up, but I can decide the road I take to get there."

Liana bit her lip. "How do you know if you've made the right decision? And how long does it take to find out?"

"My soul is quiet and at peace when I know for sure...like it is about my decision to move to the Glen. Sometimes, though, it takes a while for us to know. Not everything comes so easily, especially in matters of human relationships." She hadn't said at all that that was what was bothering her, but he could tell it was.

"Often we want to know something definitely when it's still all too new. People are like that. We want to know...now. And when we do know now, it's a real grace. Perhaps, though, that something is being worked in us by the not knowing. I've always liked the saying, 'Faith is going to the edge of all the light you have, and taking one more step.' I take that one more step all the time. That's how we live, walking in all the light we have, always coming up to edges. It's how we grow, by taking that step. If there were no darkness, that step would not be required."

He moved his arm, resting it along the back of the pew. "Relationships are like that, almost constantly. And then we wonder if we've stepped into something in the darkness that may suck us down or cause us pain. With God, when we step into the darkness, we learn to trust that even if we fall, we fall into His arms. Stepping into the darkness of another human being requires a process of learning who that being is, who we are with them, who they are with us. In some relationships that comes more easily than in others, especially when we invest all we are into someone else. Are there arms there to catch us should we fall? Peace comes when we know in the center of our being that the arms are there."

He was right, Liana thought. She'd stepped into the darkness with Ben. By coming here with him, marrying him, she'd invested all she was in him. It felt right. She simply had to trust that it was right. But had she stepped into more darkness than she could safely navigate? Was Ben's soul darker than those of other men? Because of who he was? Because of the things he'd done? And she needed to know-"How do you know if the other person has invested in you? Stepped into the darkness with you? If they don't talk with you very easily?"

"Talking always makes it easier to know, but not everybody is open that way with themselves. Some people have guards up they can't easily let down, not even with ones they love. If we've decided that they're worth it, worth the risk of that step, then the next thing we have to do is settle something in ourselves.

Being in a relationship is a constant stream of decision-making. There's that first flush where everything is so easy and loving comes without having to think, without having to decide. But a relationship is built when I decide every day that I want to be with this person because they are worth it to me. And that takes time. If we reach out our hand in the darkness and grope a bit before we find theirs, it's unsettling. But it doesn't mean they aren't there. When the words aren't there, even in the light, we look for the gesture, the glance, the sense we get when we're with them about how they feel about us. We look for how we feel in ourselves when we are with them and what that means to us. It's hard to stop wishing someone would have for us the words we need to hear and by the very nature of that, it can take more time to know the inner workings of their heart. There are times, however, when the warmth in a heart simply bypasses the vocal cords and ends up in the eyes. Sometimes the eyes say it all."

Ben's eyes talked. Perhaps they were telling her the things she wanted to know and she simply wasn't reading them right. Perhaps she wanted so badly to hear the words that she wasn't seeing what was already there. After all, she'd had the love and support of her parents all her life, until their deaths three years ago. She didn't know much about Ben yet, but she got the definite feeling that it hadn't been that way for him. That he had not known that kind of love and commitment from anyone. I want too much too soon, Liana said to herself. I have to give Ben more time.

"Thank you, Pastor," she told Alistair. "I can't tell you how much you've helped me. Things have happened so fast between my husband and me. I knew I loved him the first night I met him, but he-" She smiled at him. "I don't know yet, but I think he hasn't had the kind of love that I have in the past."

Alistair looked at her with his level sea-green eyes that seemed to see right into people's souls and yet did it so gently they never felt invaded. "Loving openly is harder for those who have not been openly loved." He smiled. "There can be a great beauty though, in opening up a hard to open place. Often there are treasures in there beyond our imaginings. It's up to us to decide if it's worth the effort."

He liked this woman, liked what he saw in her eyes, in her wanting to love well. She hadn't offered him her name yet. He would wait.

Liana so wished she could tell this quiet, gentle man everything about Ben. That she could reveal to him that she worried about Ben's heart and his soul.  And that she so feared that someday Ben's past would catch up to them and that she would lose him. But all of that was Ben's to share, not hers. Perhaps, if he could meet this pastor, Ben would like him as much as she already did. Smiling at him, she rose from the pew. "I really should go now. Ben will be worried about me. Thank you again for talking with me. We're so new here, and I haven't made friends yet." She remembered Toni and said, "Well, one. But right now, she has enough problems of her own, with her wedding coming up in a couple of days." And then, biting her lip, she asked him, "Do you ride, Pastor? Perhaps you'd like to visit with us and go horseback riding one day soon? We have some lovely horses that just arrived." Then, remembering she hadn't even introduced herself, "I'm sorry. My name's Liana Wade, by the way! My husband's name is Ben and we have a small ranch here in the Glen. Ben's planning to breed horses. And you're welcome any time."

"As a matter of fact, I do ride," Alistair smiled. "I haven't really had the opportunity since I've been in Australia, but there seems to be a lot of horses here in the Glen. So, yes, I'd like very much to come visit your ranch sometime." He'd stood, too, and walked with her to the door. "I'm glad you came by, Liana. I'm looking forward to meeting your Ben."

"And I'm sure he'll like meeting you, too." She turned to go, feeling much lighter now. Feeling as though she'd unburdened herself, but wondering why she'd done that to a complete stranger instead of to Ben.

In spite of the pain that lingered in her ankle, Liana felt almost as though she wanted to skip home. She wanted to see Ben. Just wanted to be near him. After talking with the pastor, she felt that all she needed to do was to stand by Ben and give him more time. And look more closely into his eyes. Learn to read what was there.

Ben wasn't in the house. As she started around the house to go toward the stables, he called to her from the deck.

"How was your walk, darlin? See anythin' interestin'?"

Liana almost ran up the steps to the deck and plopped herself down on his lap.

"Yes, I did. All the land is beautiful. And the houses are each beautiful, but all so different. And there's this lovely old church."

She looked into Ben's eyes and kissed him deeply. "How would you feel about going up to the bedroom?" she whispered softly to him.